Dating and Mating

We theorize about Indian women. What they want, who they want, and why they don’t want decent Indian guys. Some will go for generic desi men (all wear the same cologne, all have the same haircut, all have that smarmy feel about them while going about their cookie-cutter careers). Others despise their own and go for non-Indians. But none seem to go for dudes like Sonny (except for the occasional half-white half-Indian girl. True story).

Every once in a while, Sonny has tried to figure this out. He’s not generic, yet he’s not washed. He’s aware and proud of his identity, but he grew up with friends and colleagues who were mostly not Indian. Like many of our friends, he’s balanced. And that doesn’t seem to fly.

Fortunately (or not, depending on your perspective), Sonny recently heard the gospel from the source. His desi friend’s girlfriend, a mainstream Indian gal, had guts enough to tell him how it is from the American brown female’s POV, delivering the news like an ice-cold sledgehammer to the groin.

Why am I posting this? Because if you’re anything other than the generic Indian American male, it could apply to your groin as well.

“Parul” said that guys like Sonny simply don’t fit in. How’s that, he wondered. He’s smart, a business professional, and from a good family. And after “business professional” (re: has money), usually only one more piece of credibility is required. But Parul said that there was more to the story. It’s not what Sonny is, but who he is, that makes him an “unsuitable boy.”

Sonny, as you know from previous columns, lives in Vegas and partakes of its splendors. And that’s not just the water and fountain show in front of the Bellagio. He enjoys the occasional drink (three out of four weekends). He gambles. He carouses with friends into the late hours at establishments known for their scantily clad female hostesses. On the plus side, he’s a good tipper.

He’s known for speaking his mind, often times loudly, though articulately, even when his speech is laced with profanities. Like many of us, he does not feel the need to apologize for hanging out with his friends, whether they’d be part of the “in crowd” or not. He cherishes his 100% unmitigated freedom, and he expects that any girl he’s with will take 100% freedom for herself as well. Essentially, he’s like any one of us who’s confident in himself and his life and doesn’t feel the need to be tied down. If you’re not so insecure that you “need” to be with someone, and if you enjoy the single life (even if you’d go for the right girl if she came along), then you understand him.

And that’s why, Parul said, Sonny should forget about Indian women. She told him to look outside the race. And if he really wanted an Indian girl, he’d have to go for an open-minded one. “The kind,” she said, “who dates white guys.”

He could barely keep down his beer nuts.

As witty counterarguments such as “Yo fuck you” percolated in his head, Parul explained that most Indian girls wanted to settle down. They wanted a guy with good values–family values. Sonny, on the other hand, enjoyed his vices. He was, in effect, too “out of control.” And desi women just wouldn’t go for that. So he needed to drop them. Because they’d already dropped him.

He reflected on his experience and the collective experiences of his friends. And, in time, he agreed. That would explain a lot. He may be a young professional, but his career is not as appealing as a banker or doctor. He’s not easily cowed, and he’s not a lapdog waiting for a leash. He’s not clinging to his mom’s apron, and his family’s very independent and expects the same of him.

In short, he’s not the typical dominated desi guy just looking to settle down (or just “settle.” Or perhaps “be settled”). And from Parul’s words, typical is what the normal Indian girl wants.

I know some women who are counterexamples. Now, my first impulse would be to say “They must be the kind who don’t date Indian men period.” But there actually are free thinking desi women who want brown men. Yes, these Indian girls might have dated outside the race, or at least entertained the idea. But at least they’re not the kind of girls who date other races because they hate Indo men. Some of them are just open minded and looking for a fully developed person to be with, not some Indian embryo still attached to his mother’s uterus who works at a hedge fund during the day.

However, these gems are few and far between. For now, all we know is that you have to have “family values” to be a suitable mate. Whether that literally means “You should want to be a good husband and good father and look forward to overpopulating the earth because I literally value family” or whether that’s a veiled term for “Be a companion in a marriage that’s one step better than arranged, be willing to be domestic and harangued, have a good career that takes care of us and any future kids we’ll feel compelled to have, and be someone I can present to my parents and gossiping backstabbing friends so I fit in with everyone”…. That’s your call. Maybe it somehow relates to true love. I fully believe that two people can be in a loving and passionate relationship where they both want to be settled together (I am in such a relationship, though “settled” is a relative term). However, it’s telling that, when Sonny said he has to be madly in love or not be in a relationship at all, and that he was fine being alone if it came to it, Parul simply couldn’t understand.

But, if you’re a doctor or businessman who likes being with someone for the sake of putting down roots, so you can make your family happy and fall in line with your friends (and more likely, your wife’s friends who did the same thing), and if you don’t feel like thinking for yourself about anything (or if your thoughts really don’t extend past your wallet), then congratulations:

You, apparently, are the most desirable Indian man.

Studying Indian + Aunties + Sex

I find myself amazed at the number of verbs that can be used in conjunction with “sex.” We do sex, make sex, and sexy with others. Note that, because we rarely use the word “fuck” on our blog, we probably lose a number of potential hits to actual hardcore porn sites. I wonder if those in India use the word “fuck” or something else that I have not yet heard. My favorite cousin is too young to know these words (or maybe not, but I’m not sure how I’d broach that subject to the 14-year-old male pubescent). Any suggestions on what the slang is?

And is anyone else slightly disturbed by how aunties can be sexualized? Back off haters, I’m not saying that older Indian women lose their sexuality. However, any woman I refer to as “auntie” is not a sexual being to me because of the basis of that relationship. It’s one step away from “sister” or “mother,” both of which also cannot be sexual beings in the context of my relationship to them. Someone else’s? Sure. Not mine. End defensive stance.

But is this just a small sect that digs aunties and Indian cougars, and is it dwarfed by those who seek sketchy pictures of Indian women their own age (most likely)? Or is there some weird Oedipal Freudian infatuation going on? Indian women usually say that the brown men are too attached to their mothers. I tend to agree, but to this extent? Maybe women about to get married need to check their husbands’ browser histories.

The exact demographic of the users would be interesting to know. I only can assume younger Indian males because I doubt older Indian men 1) call women “aunties” and 2) know how to use the internet quite so proficiently for their sexual curiosities. I’m sure someone has a story that proves otherwise.

Something to remember here is that, no matter how we are making sex in the motherland, it’s getting done. Facing it is the only way to promote safe behaviors. Like this brilliant public service announcement.

As quoted in BBC South Asia’s examination of the public school sex ed debate in India, I leave you with the words of the great Federal Health Minister Anbumani Ramadoss:


“In our country, we do sex. But we don’t want to talk about it and that is why we have a billion population.”

Like the man says, whether you’re doing that sex with aunties or others, it’s good to confront the realities. Keep it safe and keep it real.

Unless it’s my auntie.