(Scene 1)
Lord Yama’s abode, end of 2008…Long queue ahead of Chitragupta’s counter…
Naradji: Chitragupta, I see the reason why you have not been answering my messages off late! Busy these days?
Chitragupta: Yes, brahmarshi, the frequency of arrival has shot up by 27% in last couple of weeks.
Naradji: 27%? What the fuck…I think heaven’s going to need some more space allotment.
Chitragupta: No, few of these are gonna end up in heaven…most are suicide cases!
Naradji: Suicide cases? I told Parvati Mata to instill less sense of female empowerment in ‘devis’ down there, but she won’t listen. Now you poor little guy have to bear the brunt of all these dead souls. Do you ever think of going on a strike or at least on a holiday?
Chitragupta: Ssshhh…don’t let Yamaji hear you saying this. I just cajoled him for a pay rise. He’ll sentence me to extra hour’s work every day if I even ask for a holiday. Besides, these guys didn’t murder themselves for their wives. Tell me, have you heard of Lehmann Brothers and American Express Bank?
Naradji: You kidding? I’ve got an account with American Express and invested heavily in Lehmann Bros. What’s up with them, anything special?
Chitragupta: Hold your breath, both have recently filed for bankruptcy. People lost jobs, everywhere in the world. Some of these guys worked with them and others are mostly investors.
Naradji: No way man, this can’t happen to me…I am ruined!!! Why didn’t you tell me earlier? I am gonna kill you…I am rushing to Vishnu Bhagwan. Only he can save me and rest of the earth from this disaster.
(Flies off)
(Scene 2)
(Baikunth Dham, the dwelling place of Lord Vishnu)
Naradji: Bhagwan, bhagwan…save me, save me!!!
Vishnuji: Narad, could you please learn to knock dude? At least you used to cry
Narayan Narayan from a km before coming, but it seems that you are forgetting the good habits fast.
Naradji: (Catching his breath) Sorry bhagwan, but this is an emergency!
Vishnuji: Well, isn’t that obvious…when else do you come to me?
Naradji: (Aghast) Bhagwan…I just don’t know what to say…I keep chanting your name all over…I am sorry, please save me…or I’ll have to kill myself!
Vishnuji: Haha…very funny! I would love to see you do that Narad, but unfortunately you can’t just…die! Ok…now put a check valve on your Ganga-Jamuna and tell me what has happened.
Naradji: My investments, they have plummeted to pataal…there’s complete economic chaos on earth... People are committing suicides in mass numbers.
Vishnuji: Did Lakshmi tell you that she would catalyze your money on earth? (laughs) You…just keep reciting my name but learn nothing…What exactly were you saving money for? Fun trips to earth?
Naradji: Well…not exactly fun trips, just to see if everything is alright there…
Vishnuji: And in-between slip off to a pub…or somewhere else, haan? (winks)
Naradji: Oh, c’on bhagwan, even the gods are entitled to some fun…aren’t they?
Vishnuji: I bet they are; but you already have a lot of fun here as the live page 3, don’t you? Anyway, who the heck suggested you to put investments there? Don’t tell me Kuber did? I’ve already been keeping a tab on him…
Naradji: Actually, lakshmi mata has been very generous with those American hotshots – Lehmann Bros. off late and so I thought…which reminds me where is Mata right now? I could even write an application to her.
Vishnuji: She’s on a holiday; said was tired of listening to people’s daily wish for more of her inconsiderate of the fact the she won’t go but to who understand her true nature. That might as well explain the chaos.
Naradji: Only you can do something now, prabhu!
Vishnuji: Hmm… let’s see, it is an economic catastrophe, not my area of expertise! May be you should go to Shiva or to Ma Kali! May be, this is even happening because they wanted it to. After all, they are the Gods of destruction. This is their hiccup…a self-correction cycle!
Naradji: But it would take a lot of time to get Lord Shiva out of his samadhi only! Besides, his security clearance is pretty high…and between you and me, I think, he doesn’t think much of me!
Vishnuji: Alright, alright…we’ll do something. Now, have you talked to Chitragupta? What are the people who have died the most? I mean what profession are they from?
Naradji: They are mostly investors who have lost their money and now their life…from their whisperings; I believe they are holding their investment managers responsible.
Visnhuji: Managers, right that narrows it down…Ummm, let’s make it simpler!!
(Closes his eyes for a second, a Sony Vaio appears…looks at Narad)
I just upgraded my system to Windows 7 from Vista!
Naradji: Vista really sucked…
Vishnuji: That’s why I put the notion of quitting in the mind of Gates…thank God, oops me, that ‘7’ is better!!! Now, here we connect to the Wi-max system, and here… is my homepage – google.com
Naradji: Man, your connection is damn faster than mine is…Have you updated the hardware too?
Vishnuji: Nope, there’re special privileges of being me, you see!
Naradji: (mutters) Privileges…when you control the universe…
Vishnuji: I can hear, Narad!!! Watch out…
Naradji: Sorry, bhagwan…forgot that you use the latest hearing aid from Intel! So what spider are you sending out…
Vishnuji: Financial crisis – Lehmann Brothers – Managers, hope it will turn out ample accurate results…I hate probing through the all the e–trash!
Naradji: Yeah…and that’s when you are ‘the’ god, just imagine how much it frustrates me…
Vishnuji: Whatever…well, here they come, Lehmann brothers – bankrupt, fraud, assets, liabilities, management, fresh recruits, investors…
Naradji: Shouldn’t we be venting ourselves at management?
Vishnuji: (Stern expression on face) Gods are never responsible for the blunder…remember?
Naradji: (Mechanically) Yes! Those who err are always a step lower than perfection, distant from being God…I remember! But then who are we targeting?
Vishnuji: Isn’t it obvious? The VPs, the senior managers and every other hot-shot … lemme check their profile. (Clicks on a link)
Naradji: Hey, look…lots of them look like Indians…what’s happening down there?
Vishnuji: Hmmm…I hope this is not an international conspiracy by Indians against the Dollar…damn me if they hid it from me too…
Naradji: An international conspiracy? What are these guys – a coterie?
Vishnuji: (Suddenly breaking into a triumphant smile) There’s more to them than just a coterie…the stemmata…bloody hell! I should’ve guessed it!
Naradji: What?
Vishnuji: Have you heard of IIMs? They all come from IIMs…
Naradji: Fuck me…if I can’t bell the CAT!
Vishnuji: Well, dude…if you don’t mind your language…I am as well going to do that. And what’s this kitten that you are talking about?
Naradji: Pardon me prabhu…just couldn’t hide my excitement, and it’s no mundane cat that I am speaking of…it is the CAT - Common Admission Test.
Vishnuji: An entrance examination?
Naradji: You bet…but it’s not just an entrance examination…Just a couple of years ago, I overheard an earthling expressing his last dying wish – cracking the CAT!
Vishnuji: So it must be like JEE…every other +2 student from India trying to crack it…
Naradji: Well, they try to gauge every aspect of your personality…not just that thing about cramming the book-shit! That’s what I heard him telling this other earthling…they want guided missiles!! But what’ as that got to do with the crisis?
Vishnuji: Air…
Naradji: Beg your pardon?
Vishnuji: The guys who, as the inferior ones say it, bell the cat have their minds inflated with this air of superiority of being invincible…and that being the negative feeling drove the forces of crisis towards their work center…an internal mechanism to keep the earthlings in check, newly developed by Shiva, it is still in beta phase though!
Naradji: Beta phase?
Vishnuji: The testing phase, laddy…honestly, if you are any slower than this, you’ll be going backwards! It was the brainchild of the soul of Karl Marx, that guy with long beard who just hates every market in the world…He tried to sell the idea to our Jesus version, but you know…he doesn’t deal with such specific working of the world…it’s either a good deed or a sin for him – no grey zones!
Naradji: (Muffling a yawn) Alright…so what’s the plan now?
Vishnuji: Well…these guys think that they are cool, ‘cause they cracked CAT, right? Let’s disrupt CAT this year…
Naradji: How are we gonna do that?
Vishnuji: Go to Yama and ask him to lend you a couple of viruses…while I fix my meeting with some of the professors in IIMs who control the CAT…(laughs)
(And for rest of the story, refer to archives of The Times of India or India Today)
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